i love to laugh…

i love to laugh. Its proably what I do thoughout most of my day, that and pounder about life. I found out about myself that if i think a positive thought about someone, i ussual tell them right then and there. Just today my best friend at college came to me andtold me about if she knew if there was a reason I posted on her Facebook wall tellling her that she is amazing. That our mutual  friend didnt understand why i called her amazing. I couldnt help but laugh and smile.  And just the other day I told someone that I loved them as a friend, and he simply didnt understand why I did love him as a friend. I just saw me giving people compliments to other because i just see the truth in people, the see the amazingness in a person. I feel like so many people want  or need love, but rarely get it.

But speaking of laughs. I had THE most awkward moment  proably in a really long time. I went to go see a play in my hometown this weekend. My parents invited a guy friend who likes me alot, but then ditched us and basicaly “set me up” on a date.Which was awkward in its self. When we got to our seatsI then found out i was sitting next to one of my guy friends who also likes me. I ended up sitting in the middle of the two males, which by the way  dont like each other. Then i noticed a couple rows down and ex-friend of mine ( who is Alexs friend, who use to be mutual friend of ours) with her girl friend.  I dont know if he noticed me or not, but I just found this night extreemly funny. For I havent talk to my ex friend since summer really. I just couldnt help but laugh, and to be honest it still makes me laugh.

Im a very happy person, even since things have gone sour with life lately and my family . I uusualy have a smile on my face. I just wanted to put something happy on this blog, since i feel like I always put negitive things on here. Love you all! -hugs-

A time to let go.

I cant belive its almost been a year since this has all gone down. Its been to say the least one heck of a rollercoaster. With Alex, my family stuff, and friends its been  definatly intresting. I want to say how blessed I am for people who have been reading or have one point read my blog. Its means alot.  Update for those who have been askingNo, I dont see Alex anymore but still see him as a really good friend and forever will be dear to my heart. Yes,  i am currently “seeing someone”.  what ever that ever your definition of me “seeing someone ” is I dont know but answer I will. lol. but to the stuff at hand…..

Durring break I told my parents I didnt want to see my brother. When I told them, Ihad there counsler there. They just staired at me when I told them. I could see bitterness comeing throught the room punching me in the face. They told me they didnt understand … they didnt see how one year would make a difference.  Durring our session they were saying how they didnt understand “why i told them if i dont want to them to do anything about it” .I started crying in the middle of our session.  The Counsler asked me why I was crying and I told her its very hard to deal with, emotions running high.   The Counsler then asked my mom about something along the lines of why she didnt belive me. I started crying even more.  My counsler looked at me and said “May I ask why are you crying… cause when I look at you I see a girl who is very hurt inside” and all i could get was knodding my head in agreement. Then she turned to my mom and asked her ” what do you think? Do you think your daughter is hurting?” my mom replyed while looking at me” NO i dont think shes hurting… i think she MAYBE upset, but not hurting” My mom then butted in right after that and said ” We want you to stop being social work Anna, and start being Anna Anna”  I was so shocked by this. I was so angry and confused. My parents have always taught me showing emotion is a sign of weekness. That you need to get a grip on life. I mean we never even appoligized to one another.  I  mean I only heard my dad appolgize to me once when I was a kid, and thats because my mom told him to because I was crying. In our family if were sorry, we act kinda shy and nicer… implying  the “sorry” ness. My mom has not only told me but other people to ” get a grip”   people who are passing away.  But I think you understand my examples… my parents lack empathy.

Then she went around the room asking us what do we do when we get upset or angry. Which I think helped my parents more than me.  When we left I had to look at pictures on my phone to stop crying, to get my mind off on the topic.On car ride, the way home…. it was completly scilent
One things I have noticed that Im like my parents on…. I have a hard time in letting go of something. Espically people. I think for me personaly letting go of people comes from not wanting to be mad at me and not having the last say  and finding peace with them. I think since I had very good friends die when I was younger I think it mostly stems from that fear.
A couple days later my dad was talking to me asking me if I wanted to go. He argued with me, telling me I should. But then let it go. Unfortutly knowing my family, nothing  ever that easy. My mom asked me if I wanted to go back to the counsler lady on monday. I told them no thank you. They asked me why  and I told them I had no purpose in seeing her right now. My mom started yelling at me. She kept asking me Why did you even tell us about this? and my responce was  would you rather me have not told you? She diverted my question, asking her 5 times.  Her responce was that I just told them this because I wanted everything to blow up and break apart in my family and I like drama. (to be honest, im the opposite I dont know what to do with it)  That I have no compassion for anybody , that i only care about is myself. and then they told me  something that im trying to come to terms with ” Joanna  throught this whole you and your brother thing, you being raped. …. we cant love you.”  Once my mom said that I just became num to everything… agreeing to everything so my mom would get the picture I had shut her out once again.

I feel so hurt by that fact. I just want to be a good girl. Ive only made this worse, when my attention was making it better not only for me but for our family. I feel like I am I was the one who raped somebody, instead of a victum. So many words were tosed at me this weekend. I just…. it hard to write all on paper. Im thinking of just appoligizing to everyone, saying I “made it up”  so my parents might love me again and leave me alone and beaten up.To let go of everything, I just feel like Im giving up……

I just want to make things clear….

I just want to make things clear to people who have been following me for sometime now as a reader. NO- im not making things up just to get attention. This is a place for me to share my experiences and how I feel. Its for me, not getting attention from other people. Im not crying wolf on anything nor do I want to.  NO- I am not making up things to get “Alexs attention”, I havent talked to him in ages and support him in not wanting to talk to me. Sharing my experience here have nothing to do with wanting him back. * for those who are most recent in following me, you can ignore this.

The reason I am saying this is because ive been getting heat  lately. I know I cant not make any one belive anything I write. I just want to clarify for everyone. For those who have supported me, thank you so much….. it honestly means alot to me. -hug-  I appreciate all of those who do. You guys and writting has helped me alot , espicaly getting my feelings out when I feel scilenced in the society I live in.

sorry for the random post everyone… I just wanted to clear the air i guess.

 

This was NOT expected!!!!

I was back on break a few weeks ago. I was enjoying my time, hanging out with 3  of my friends. Two of them were in a relationship together, planning on getting married to each other about to have a kid. Both of my friends are around my age. They are nice people, or so I thought.

We all were free on Sat……. all hanging out with each other all day. Which was somthing I look forward to, because I love spending time with people. One of my friends who is a girl layed next to me, as we were watching a movie. Im a very cuddly person, so people bein close to me really doesnt bother me all that much. She started rubbing my back, as I started dozing off to sleep. I then woke up with a shoke of coldness. It kinda shoke me, as I jerked up. I noticed that the bra was unhooked. and saw out of the corner of my eye my friend hand pulling towards her. It finally hit me what just happened. I froze, this was not expected. Espically from her!

She then annonced to everyone, laughing. That she wanted to take off her bra…. implying she would keep her clothes on. and of course the two men didnt care. I rehooked my bra… distancing myself from her. Trying not to make a sence, upset and planned to talk to her one on why she did what she did. After ten minutes or so her Boyfriend said he was going to give my other friend a ride home and he would pick her up  so that way when he got back, she would be properly dressed. I looked to my friend that was leaving, hopeing he would look me in the eyes… reading my mind and not leave me.  But unfortuatly he didnt read of mind.

He then after a few mintutes came back. As I put in the movie  I turned around and they started making out. I just layed next to them, eyes set on the tv screen…. pretending nothing was wrong. I heard her giggle and out of the corner in my eye I saw her turn over toward me. Kissing me on my neck. I was like a statue. My mind was like WTF! My friend is pretty, but in NO WAY am I attracted to woman. Its just not for me. She got on top of me and I said “stooop” She continued kissing me. I frozed, and closed my eyes. Wanting to get away, but due to everything in my past I gave up very quick. Just praying it would be over soon. Going to survival mode. I dont remember much in detail after that. She started going after my chest and her hands wondered. But her boyfriend actualy joined in kissing me. After a while she stoped kissing me  and got off of me to kiss her boyfriend. I quickly put my shirt back on and put a blanket over me. The boyfriend stoped kissing her, as saw me my eyes filled with tears. She soon came back to me about to kiss me again. He yelled her name…. and told her that they should go. I walked them to the door. I went up stairs and just cry and cryed for an hour. I told myself I need to stop crying because I had to get to sleep.

It was something I WAS NOT expecting or even ROMOTELTY wanted. To be honest.. i dont even know what happend… I dont even know what to call this.  I mean me and her( and him) had barely talked in general before this. Although my (guy) friend appoligized for doing what he did, for it was wrong. I cant even wrap my head around this. They havent talked to me since that day really.All i know is that they  just got engaged and expecting a kid.  I feel like I was betrayed and used.

I hate this…. I hate how I was used like this… that I cant even stand up for myself, esp lately. I feel like Ive given up on fighting….

Just random thoughts

Trama. Thats what they tell you rape is.

For years ive never once thought that. That rape is a trama. I thought trama was suppose to be more ” brutal”. LIke being a solider and fighting in a war or having a shooting at your work place. I thought my rape with my brother and my others were kind of things you got over with. Like a death in the family type of situations. Its just untill  now ive come to realise that several times ive been though trama. I think the reason why I didnt see it before is that it has happened so much. To the point now im starting to loss count.

Ive talked to a friend of mine who has been through several rapes herself. Saying how she felt for me. She said how it was amazing how some people just seem to attract such thing ( of course not on purpose or wanting to by any means). But how it was so true for me.  So many people when I tell them about how my brother and other men have raped me  then say ” oh am sorry…” and my automatic responce is “its ok….” and then they get angry and say ” no its not”.  Ive never fully understood this in my mind. Maybe its just me. But my mind cant comprehend this situation, which happens alot.  I mean if i dont say ” its ok” as a responce, what else am I suppose to say. Its not like am mad or angry at those men, ive forgiven them. And i feel like saying otherwise would disprove that.

Another thing that has run though my head as been my family, but not my immidate family which I do so much talking about on here (lol). This has to do with my extended family. A few weeks, I was torn. Not knowing which way to go. Although Ive been alot like this lately. This espicaly pertains  to the situation  of my cousins. My parents mounths ago told me not to tell anyone… in fears of causing “drama” and “division” towards family and friends. Which was more likely to protect them and my brother, than having my best intrest at heart…. but ill continue…(lol).   I coundnt help thinking what if my cousins where raped by my brother. Somehow a flood of thoughts came towards me, guilt and fear  was tugging at me.

I sat in my bed torn. ( this is one of the things I needed to be resolved for myself, being a victum) Wanting to respect my parents wishes but also wanting to protect my cousins. After much debate. I descided to finaly do it.  Due to the fact I know in very recent past my brother has given me the creeps. It may be my own bias. I remember one time everyone went into the dinning room to eat dinner. His wife went ahead and me and my brother meet in the hall way and walked into each other. He singled me to pass in frount of him and as I did he put his hand on my lower back, and i remember being severly creeped out.  But back on topic, I called up my cousins, and found out that none of them got sexual assulted by brother. One of my cousins,  was patient with me. She back off when I told her I couldnt tell her information. My other cousin paniced on me, she started flipping out. Tell me I needed to tell her right then and there. I stoped talking to her, and kinda left her hanging cause I knew she wouldnt let it go. Which proably wasnt the nicest thing to do, but I got scared. Im now scared shell tell my aunt and uncle and the extended family and more drama will come my way. Its not that I dont mind telling my extended family but its just dealing with my parents explosion I dont want….. I guess time will tell right?

Why you dont belive me?

So over the break I had weeks ago, i finaly figured out why my parents dont belive me with my brother raping me……
It all started when I told my parents I want to see there psy. Person, to tell her/ warn her about what I wanted to talk about in our group meeting that would come up durring my spring break. So after my parents contant argueing and bickering trying to pull information out of me, they finaly  exepted my offer to let me go see her.

She being very sweet shorter laddie, invited me in when I came to her office that day. I sat down and explain to her I wanted to tell her I didnt want to see my brother for a year. She was puzzled and asked me why I wanted to . Telling her a good friend once told me ‘ sometimes u got to do whats best for you, and whats good for you… not for other people’.  She then noodded her head and then asked me a question that struck me. She said ” so how did It feel when your brother denyed the whole rape?”…… a replyed” I felt…. I….” And then started crying, trying to tell her that it hurt.Emotions just started flooding in. I appoligized for crying in frount of her.  And if you know me, I dont cry in frount of people unless I trust you as a good good friend. I never cry in frount of people ussualy. I told her how I felt about my brother rejecting the fact of everything, as in the back of my mind i thought of soemthing else. So no tears would come.

She then came at a hault. She told me that I was a miracle, that I didnt act like normal victums. She then told me how my parent perceived my rape. she said that they dont  belive that I got raped because Im to “forgiving” about it. My heart automaticly sunk and got all angry at the same time. Why am I being punished for doing the right thing, forgiving someone!? really?! She said to me that they didnt belive me because, I didnt act like a normal victum and seem mad at my brother. I couldnt belive it, and still cant. I feel like am being punished for doing something right and something I didnt do.

Well at least she confirmed my suspisions, my parents dont and will never belive me.

News

Sorry i havent kept on top of everything its been so hecktic this week, is insane!

So more information has brought at me. FIrst and foremost, lets bring everyone up to date. I meet with my Top cordinator, to see if I would be kicked out or not out of school. I sat down and He greeted me in his office. He took our the police report and looked at it. He told me about the situation, how he had to looked at my case and didnt understand. I jumped in, replying I was a good person and never ever caused problems before. He knodded his head. He was questioning me about what happened…. i lied, telling him I just had a crazy boyfriend who was over protective. Still unsure,  he paused for a moment of thought. He then took a look at the papers and looked at me again. Saying” Are you sure this didnt happen?” I jumped right and and said ” yes”  Praying to God he would belive me…. I wanted this behind me. I didnt want to get kicked out nor have another year of people butting in my life and messing things even MORE up.  He looked at me and said he cant file anything, and hell dismiss my case. A huge load off my shoulder came off and I felt I could breath easier. He told me it was good seeing me, and gave me a copy of the slip, saying I accepted the dismiss and went into the meeting with him. I took the slip, said thank you… and basicaly boldted out of his office.

Im so happy I can put this part behind me. But unfortualy I know things like this dont just “disapear” like you want them to…. esp emotions.

A talk between us.

One thing, i have keept to myself for a really long time. A conversation between me and my brother had. Those words still have stuck with me for years.

He got on top of me and pinned me down, I remember I was in a panic. He started laughing at me and then looked at me and said “whats wrong?” My brother knew what was wrong, I didnt want him to rape me again. I was still young enough not to know enough, but old enough to understand what he was doing. I had tears in my eyes saying ” what your doing… * pause* … your… your… your having sex with me!” He chuckled ” Sis we already talked about this….your like those girls!”  He was talking about pornography, the photos and videos of girls having sex… again wanting me to be a slut.

He started to get back where he started when i spoke in a panic. ” STOP! your gonna make me pregnant right?!” My brother looked at me saying ” sis, your way to young to get pregnant! Your not old enough, its ok. Plus youll get addicted to  it anyway! What does it matter?”

I felt so numb. I felt hopeless.

 

I guess ive kept this in for a long time, because its really the only talks between us weve had when this happened for 4 yrs.

Getting Kicked out of College?

So i got a letter today, that says i got a noctice that i have “Violated Community standard”  and i have to meet with the board at my college sometime this weekish. Im seriously filpping out!!!!! I asked my the Top RA what this was all about becasue I didnt not receive any notice or warning from anybody!!! Im dont get in trouble… like ever. Im seriously shaking right now… while my heart is running like 5 miles a minute!!!! He responded back telling me it was about the police report…. aka the whole rape thing. Which I DID NOT REPORT!!! A friend of  mine which I told in secreat did. Im seriously flipping. I dont know what to say, why couldnt they and my friend leave it alone! I have to meet with the top RA, so he can speak for me I guess to the board of the college. Im scared of being kicked out for something I tryed to keep quite. Im in full panic mode!!!!!

 

I just set up a meeting with them…. on the 29th of Feb! Im so scared.

a Bruised and Used kind of a girl

These last past mouths Ive had the time too look at myself, time to reflect and to be honest…. its not pretty. Epically since being raped again.

Im beging to think being used is just apart of my life now. I feel like am more accepting to being tossed around, I feel like thats my fate or somthing. I feel like I have this idea in my head that thats all people ever will use me for, just be used. Even though they may say different, I always laugh inside my head thinking only time will show their colors. People always leave when their done useing me. For Entertainment I bet myself how long theyll stay around 9 times out of ten am right.

I am a “Bruised and Used” Kind of a girl… What i mean by this is that. People just use me for because Im nice to them and use me sexualy.I love other people and once they are bored with me, they leave bruises. I mean every person leave different kinds of bruises on me… but they all still hurt the same.

I feel like am giving up on myself, I feel like my brother was right about me all along…. that im just to be used. I feel like thats all Ill ever be.