Update 2: Some odd years later?

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*********** POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING***************

Where am I? What have I become?

Yes all of these questions (and more) are things I have asked myself through out time time I have been away from WordPress.

Lets start with happy things, shall we? Yes, happy things are always great to hear.

1. I went to the country Belize, and it was fucking awesome! Petting tigers,howler monkeys, almost dying in a cave…. you know, some Dora the Explorer kind of shit. Ha.

2. I graduated with a B.A. in Social Work.

3. I am now in Graduate School getting my maters in , yes you guessed it, SOCIAL WORK! I specialize in primary and secondary trauma, go figure.

4. I have a beautiful nephew who just recently turned one. Just like my niece, he is the light of my world.

5. I have a wonderful internship at a school which is being a school counselor. These kids make me laugh so hard, I literally could make a comedy sketch .

Although good as come in my life, bad has defiantly reared its ugly head. If you hate negativity I suggest you look away now.

1. My relationship with people have not gotten better, it is something I am still working on. I’ve gotten myself in a lot of abusive relationships

2. Speaking of bad relationships, one got so bad unfortunately the legal system got involved. Yes, he hit me. Yes, he raped me. Although that is not how the legal system got involved. It was the aftermath of me getting enough courage to walk away. I almost got thrown out of a car and once I finally escaped he tried physically forcing me to get back into the car. Police officers were called. He was let lose that day. Needless to say he didn’t like the idea of me being single. He stalked my house, where I worked, pretended to be other people, faked/lied parts of his life, keyed my car, and ect. To make it short 3 harassment charges , a stalking charge, 3 No trespassing, Restraining order, violations of restraining order, many warrants out for his arrest….  and he is now on probation.

3. Family still doesn’t believe I was raped by my brother. Yes, my mother still tries to convince me otherwise.

4. At the end of my schooling, I’m planning on  “officially” getting diagnosed with PTSD. My hope is that I can apply to get a service dog to help me with my PTSD. (Haven’t decided if this is a good thing or not.)

5. Although I have grown over the years, I am still learning. Thus, my struggle with PTSD is still a journey. It definitely has its up’s and down’s.

I have yet to figure out if I want to keep up with my WordPress site. But for now this weird update will have to do.

The Good-bye?!

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So an update :The last month I was in Greece. The picture below was just one of the few photos I took throughout the whole trip.I went 2 and 1/2 weeks to my Greece adventurer  and thought the people over there were SUPER nice and wonderful…. not to mention the food was to DIE for! lol. 

And of course my schooling is bussy as ever, so its just one of the many reasons I haven’t been updating my blog.

Family stuff has been the same old, same old drama and crap. A couple weeks ago I was kicked out of house again, so the possiablity of homelessness is now my normal. To be quite frank, the whole drama… hate fiasco with me is pretty much my new normal now. I know, sad to hear. But in a couple years I wouldn’t be died down to my parents while in the mean time I have friends by my side that keep me happy and are there for me. 

I figure that just because my family situation sucks, doesnt mean that my whole life sucks. I have allot of positive things in my life and going to enjoy the joys in life.

Like for example my older brother is expecting another child again…. Im super excited! My niece( who is one now) is the JOY of my world and so blessed Ill be having another bundle of joy in my life.In a couple of weeks well know if ill have another neice or nephew!!! Part of me kinda hopes for a nephew, but ill be so excited no matter what gender it is. 

Although my life seems to be changing, I also see some interesting aspects that leave my mind to question.

Like for example ive been getting random phone calls,that are blocked. Every time I answer,  theres typically no response  But i catch once in a blue moon someone saying my name on the other line… so its obviously someone calling on purpose. I have no idea who this person is, and they have been calling me for a couple of mouths now. Im concerned that its its Alex trying to contact me . I will always be concerned and love Alex till the day I die, because I’m like that. I’m the type of person… if you enter my life, I forever care and love about you. I know im weird.  Alex if your reading this PLEASE just call me on a regular number… i wouldn’t be mad at you. Or at least say something on your blocked number. Because if its not him….. Im gonna have to go into my phone store and check it out to see if i can block that blocked number from calling me.

Speaking of intresting things, Ive been dealing with my abuse issues one step at a time. The healing process is a tad slower than I origianly hoped for…. but baby steps is all that I can ask for right? I still have panic attacks and deal with issues of trust people in general, esp since of late… but thats just another story to tell in itself. hahahaha. 

What I find most interesting in my use of WordPress, I no longer use it anymore. I mean Love writting and sharing my stories, but I think for now…. this is goodbye, or at least a good long intermission. You guys have been a great support for me, and for that I am grateful.  Although I am saying goodbye to WordPress….. dont be surprised if I pop in once and a while, or just for a season in my life.  

But for now, I love you all…. and I will keep each and everyone of you in my thoughts. 

Love, AnnaImage

Without Pay

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*** possiable TW****

 

Now I want to start of this blog by saying, im a less than a perfect person and never will be. There I said it. ok *sigh* we can move on

Now Ive never really shared my thoughts about this with anyone, but I fee like it needs to be said.I feel like am a prositue with out gettin payed.

eye brows raised? okay Ill explain it to you….

I feel like am a prositue with out getting payed in so many ways. For starters I feel like am a prostitue because mostly ive given up on myself . Ive mostly given in to the fact of men using me, is just a way of my life now. If men come  private message me through  facebook or twitter, I automaticly give in. I feel if I give in, no bruises are involved and I can get them away from  them once their statified.

I become pretty emotionless now, and everytime this happens all i can think through my head is “is it over now?”  Ive become numb to it all, so much I kinda run it as a buisness . I know if certain people message me, they dont rly want to talk to me as a person overall  they just want to get to the “good stuff”

I laugh at the sight when men who have “intrest” in dating me and I tell me Ive been raped several times in my life. They tell me, oh i would never do that to you and Ill never touch you. Ill respect you… ill wait till I marry you , crap. I laugh in my head, betting on how long hell last, use and leave me.

I guess im been tired of being beat the hell out of me, so men can have there moment of pleasure.

I joke myself from time to time, telling myself I should get paid for this…. so that way when I get out of college Ill have some money.

Overall Ive just given up( in that area)…. ever since last year around January. I figure, whats it gonna hurt me? Im not gonna find a husband anyway.

Man, this sounds depressing. Although I needed to share it with someone… with anyone who will listen. I know most people will judge me and tell him how horriable I am, but its  the truth… espicaly how I feel.

Update

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Heres a quick update. Im back at college for my third yr…. yeah. can u belive it? almost graduated. This year I have six classes im taking this semester , plus a job…. can you say hectic?! lol. Life lately hasnt really gotten any easier, to be honest… but just more bareable. Just a couple of days ago, my grandmother passed away. Seeing my mother cry, and having to sing at the funeral…. wasnt what i call easy. Espically when my cousin sang at the funeral started crying, I stood up next to her and sang with her so she could finish the song.

Overall my life has been what i call a dumbing phase. (ill explain more of that later)  Ive also been having more flashbacks about my brother raping me… which alot of times is hard for me to handel.

Oh and Alex, Although we dont talk….. I see his face now and again. Not on purpose of course, but by some random accident . Ussualy its when hes driving his car, ha. which In all doesnt suprise me…. he likes to drive and blast his music. Ive seen him twice this semester. Once – while driving behind him. I happen to noticed he was driving by his licence plate. I randomly like to look at licence plates and read them once and while, i mostly do it out of habbit now cause its a game i use to play when i was little.  I love how is licence plate has my nickname on it. The second time was just a couple days ago… i was driving back from the funeral to my college. I didnt notice till i was downtown that  Alex was proably driving right behind me a whole 15 mins. And was slightly embaraced, cause my driving was HORRIABLE  that day and I started dancing in my car like a idiot. lol.

There are random times I just want to give him a hug with a smile on my face, but i know what is.  I think ill always be that way… wanting to give hugs to him and people who i severly miss in my life. lol. I think its just who I am, never wanting to leave the people i love the most. But i also know I am a person of peace. Throughout my life, ive had a ray of sadness,loss, sin, and tragity. I know the thing I do best, is trying to make peace . Because Peace with in and being happy is something that cant be taken away from you. Its what I hold on to , in season like this… for i know theyll be a day where I dont have any flash backs about my abuse. And that, is what im fighting for! 🙂

No one said….

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Through ups and downs with dealing with several of my sexual abuse. Ive come to relise how shut out this topic really is. Rape and sexual assalt is very much down played. Yes, society tells us that its bad, we shouldnt do it, and its overall sad. But other than that, the topic is scielent. How the last year I have seen so many reactions to me telling people I was raped. I think the saddest part is not someone over reacting and asking me questions but its the under reacting. I have had so many friend it off, like its some type of plauge.

I wish someone would have said to me…. Rape , it changes your life.

No granted, my rapes arent who I am and should consume me…. but they are apart of you and make you see through things differnetly because of the pain and the experience.

I wish someone would have said to me…. that because you were raped several times, youll proably have freak outs.

I wish someone would have said to me…. that because you were raped youll forever have issues in relationships with men.That youll have to work 10 x as  harder (than a non person who was raped or sexualy abuse) to make a realtionship work,

I wish someone would have said to me….. that not every one will understand what you went through.That most people will not understand.

 

I just wish I knew……

One step at a time

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Im sorry I havent written anything, its just been super bussy over in my area lately.Its been rought lately… am not going to lie. Its been over a year since everything has really exploded in my face. Ill catch you up on all the latest in another blog but I thought I would write that has been most pressing on my heart.

Healing.

Now I want to make myself better and I felt as a person that me havingseveral sexual abuse and rapes has effected me more that I actuatly relised.One of the things I want to work on, is my sleep. I feel that overall it effects me the most and I want to get it under control.  There are several things I must do before I am able to go to sleep.

1) All doors MUST be closed all the way. Not even a slight crack , it must be shut.

2) The lights must be shut off and The room  has to be pitch black.

3) I must have a blanket to cover me which goes right at my shoulders. This blanket must cover my toes and has to “bundle” me in a certain way.

4) I must have scilence when sleeping and cant sleep with any one in the same bed or room

5) I have to sleep on my stomach

I am pretty such I have more “stuff” i do, but for now those are the things I have noticed. I cant tell you how many times I have stayed awake being parinode  at the thought of my brother comming in and raping me.I have constant night terrors and stay up untill am completely exhausted. In other words, am afraid to go to sleep. Most of the time my brother would come in my room and rape me late at night. Which I belive is the root of my problems.

For right now, my goal is to sleep at night with both of my door open. Last night I didnt let my door fully latch.Tonight my goal is to crack the doors open by a couple of inches.

The reason why I picked the doors to fix first, is because the doors were the first warnings that told me my brother was going to rape me. So I actualy had time to prepair myself. I remember when I was little I use to watch under the door, waiting . For if I saw the shaddow first before the noise I could even more mentaly prepair myself.

Sometimes, just the thoughts that flood back into my mind are painful. But I remind myself that its okay, that I just take this at one step at a time!

i love to laugh…

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i love to laugh. Its proably what I do thoughout most of my day, that and pounder about life. I found out about myself that if i think a positive thought about someone, i ussual tell them right then and there. Just today my best friend at college came to me andtold me about if she knew if there was a reason I posted on her Facebook wall tellling her that she is amazing. That our mutual  friend didnt understand why i called her amazing. I couldnt help but laugh and smile.  And just the other day I told someone that I loved them as a friend, and he simply didnt understand why I did love him as a friend. I just saw me giving people compliments to other because i just see the truth in people, the see the amazingness in a person. I feel like so many people want  or need love, but rarely get it.

But speaking of laughs. I had THE most awkward moment  proably in a really long time. I went to go see a play in my hometown this weekend. My parents invited a guy friend who likes me alot, but then ditched us and basicaly “set me up” on a date.Which was awkward in its self. When we got to our seatsI then found out i was sitting next to one of my guy friends who also likes me. I ended up sitting in the middle of the two males, which by the way  dont like each other. Then i noticed a couple rows down and ex-friend of mine ( who is Alexs friend, who use to be mutual friend of ours) with her girl friend.  I dont know if he noticed me or not, but I just found this night extreemly funny. For I havent talk to my ex friend since summer really. I just couldnt help but laugh, and to be honest it still makes me laugh.

Im a very happy person, even since things have gone sour with life lately and my family . I uusualy have a smile on my face. I just wanted to put something happy on this blog, since i feel like I always put negitive things on here. Love you all! -hugs-

A time to let go.

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I cant belive its almost been a year since this has all gone down. Its been to say the least one heck of a rollercoaster. With Alex, my family stuff, and friends its been  definatly intresting. I want to say how blessed I am for people who have been reading or have one point read my blog. Its means alot.  Update for those who have been askingNo, I dont see Alex anymore but still see him as a really good friend and forever will be dear to my heart. Yes,  i am currently “seeing someone”.  what ever that ever your definition of me “seeing someone ” is I dont know but answer I will. lol. but to the stuff at hand…..

Durring break I told my parents I didnt want to see my brother. When I told them, Ihad there counsler there. They just staired at me when I told them. I could see bitterness comeing throught the room punching me in the face. They told me they didnt understand … they didnt see how one year would make a difference.  Durring our session they were saying how they didnt understand “why i told them if i dont want to them to do anything about it” .I started crying in the middle of our session.  The Counsler asked me why I was crying and I told her its very hard to deal with, emotions running high.   The Counsler then asked my mom about something along the lines of why she didnt belive me. I started crying even more.  My counsler looked at me and said “May I ask why are you crying… cause when I look at you I see a girl who is very hurt inside” and all i could get was knodding my head in agreement. Then she turned to my mom and asked her ” what do you think? Do you think your daughter is hurting?” my mom replyed while looking at me” NO i dont think shes hurting… i think she MAYBE upset, but not hurting” My mom then butted in right after that and said ” We want you to stop being social work Anna, and start being Anna Anna”  I was so shocked by this. I was so angry and confused. My parents have always taught me showing emotion is a sign of weekness. That you need to get a grip on life. I mean we never even appoligized to one another.  I  mean I only heard my dad appolgize to me once when I was a kid, and thats because my mom told him to because I was crying. In our family if were sorry, we act kinda shy and nicer… implying  the “sorry” ness. My mom has not only told me but other people to ” get a grip”   people who are passing away.  But I think you understand my examples… my parents lack empathy.

Then she went around the room asking us what do we do when we get upset or angry. Which I think helped my parents more than me.  When we left I had to look at pictures on my phone to stop crying, to get my mind off on the topic.On car ride, the way home…. it was completly scilent
One things I have noticed that Im like my parents on…. I have a hard time in letting go of something. Espically people. I think for me personaly letting go of people comes from not wanting to be mad at me and not having the last say  and finding peace with them. I think since I had very good friends die when I was younger I think it mostly stems from that fear.
A couple days later my dad was talking to me asking me if I wanted to go. He argued with me, telling me I should. But then let it go. Unfortutly knowing my family, nothing  ever that easy. My mom asked me if I wanted to go back to the counsler lady on monday. I told them no thank you. They asked me why  and I told them I had no purpose in seeing her right now. My mom started yelling at me. She kept asking me Why did you even tell us about this? and my responce was  would you rather me have not told you? She diverted my question, asking her 5 times.  Her responce was that I just told them this because I wanted everything to blow up and break apart in my family and I like drama. (to be honest, im the opposite I dont know what to do with it)  That I have no compassion for anybody , that i only care about is myself. and then they told me  something that im trying to come to terms with ” Joanna  throught this whole you and your brother thing, you being raped. …. we cant love you.”  Once my mom said that I just became num to everything… agreeing to everything so my mom would get the picture I had shut her out once again.

I feel so hurt by that fact. I just want to be a good girl. Ive only made this worse, when my attention was making it better not only for me but for our family. I feel like I am I was the one who raped somebody, instead of a victum. So many words were tosed at me this weekend. I just…. it hard to write all on paper. Im thinking of just appoligizing to everyone, saying I “made it up”  so my parents might love me again and leave me alone and beaten up.To let go of everything, I just feel like Im giving up……